Bill O’Reilly and Geraldo Rivera (Click to Enlarge)

Sure, I like a good fight, but when I’m ready for one, I look for the Smackdown channel. A shouting match isn’t exactly a fight, particularly when it looks as rehearsed as a ‘Boogeyman’ vs. ‘Undertaker’ bout. The precipitant behind these two ‘newsheads,’ is that neither one wil stop blabbing long enough to figure out exactly what it is they are supposed to be blabbing about. Geraldo leads off with thoughts about a drunk driver and O’Reilly deciphers the story as an illegal immigration cue. And, whenever one of their ‘debates’ occurs, be assured you will see it over and over until it’s time for the next one. I’m convinced the network execs are thouroughly confused when it comes to what we want to see and hear, and when it’s time (it’s time) for Bill and Geraldo to go, ABC just released the perfect replacement. How great is it that an anchor sleeps through segments we don’t want to see, or decides quite rightly to show up twenty minutes after the news has started realizing nobody is watching anyhow? Please consider my new screensaver; Steve Bartlestein, ‘snewsman’ extraordinaire:


Steve Bartelstein has run out of second chances at WABC/Ch. 7.

The anchor, who has messed up several times on the job only to get another shot, was fired after sleeping through a newsbreak he was to anchor last Thursday morning on the horrific Bronx house fire. He was in his Ch. 7 office at the time.

“He is no longer with the station, and no longer with ‘Eyewitness News,'” a station spokesman said yesterday.

It was a stunning move, considering that Bartelstein has been a major player on the station’s top-rated early-morning newscast alongside Lori Stokes and weathercaster Bill Evans.

Joe Torres was in the seat yesterday, and the station is expected to rotate others on its anchor staff in the slot.

News director Kenny Plotnik told staffers of the change yesterday in a morning meeting. He also said there would be a thorough search for a replacement.

Plotnik referred calls to a station spokesman. Bartelstein couldn’t be reached for comment.

One indiscretion on Bartelstein’s part might have been overlooked, but there were others. In November, he was suspended for several days after showing up for work 20 minutes after the morning news began.

A year before that, Bartelstein was sidelined for two weeks after showing up late for work and for missing a newsbreak, reportedly so that he could meet Samuel L. Jackson, who was appearing on “Live With Regis & Kelly.”

And there was an ugly sexual-harassment suit that was withdrawn.

Despite the issues, management gave Bartelstein a new contract last June that spelled out the consequences if he slipped up again.

Station insiders said Bartelstein’s latest goof put Plotnik and general manager Dave Davis in a tough spot. Giving him another chance would have made it look like there was a double standard at the station.

Still, the firing is troubling for many at Ch. 7 – one labeled it a “bombshell” – because outside of a proclivity for missing deadlines, Bartelstein was generally well liked.

Moreover, insiders agree that on the air, Stokes, Bartelstein and Evans had great chemistry.

It is that chemistry, their ability to juggle seriousness and banter each day, that has made the show the most-watched local program in the morning.

Said one insider: “It’s not going to be the same without him.”





anemi.png ~Anemi






Prince Frederic von Anhalt & Kader Loth, stars of “The Castle”

This is not a complete episode, but it’s enough. Many thanks to our Best in Deutchland for this. About half way through, you’ll see the Prince break into a tirade, forcibly clear the dining table, strike other actors and storm from the scene. While this is not exactly jaw dropping stuff, it is amusing behavior for a “royal.” Still photos from the show and a complete description follow on the next page. Enjoy!


“I do not belong to humans who must wait to be discovered.” ~Kader Loth, part of her motto.

“I don’t meet people like that, I don’t need to meet people like that.” ~ Prinz von Anhalt, on Howard K. Stern.

“Luxury stands for me properly.” ~ Kader Loth.

“I knew Rubirosa, and you sir, are not Rubirosa!” ~ Me. A sticky to remind me to finish the Gigolo piece.

“He is a cheap gigolo and a good butler.” ~ Prinz von Anhalt on Larry Birkhead.

“She forgives me. She has had her shame of scandals.” ~ Prinz von Anhalt on his “affair” with Anna Nicole, speaking for Zsa Zsa.

“He is not good in bed” ~ Prinz von Anhalt on Howard K. Stern, speaking for Anna Nicole.






Do get me started. At least John Kerry can open the conversation in an elevator with, “It was a botched joke.” But, for all the ships at sea, and crimeny, what’s the deal with O. J. Simpson and Norm Pardo? Deal’s, good and bad, that’s what.

Unless you have been living in, or worse, born in a box, Norm Pardo told a bunch of publications that O. J. Simpson said, “he knew Anna Nicole Smith pretty well, and he said he had slow-moving sperm, and he might be the father of Dannielynn.” Hang on, I’m not done, it gets better – so the bartender leans over the counter and says to the drunk, “I hope they don’t do a DNA test on Anna Nicole’s baby. If they find out Dannielynn is mine, I don’t want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money — or the baby herself.” I get it – funny, good one. Did O. J. really say that? Doesn’t matter, and I’ll get there in a sec.

First this first. O. J. Simpson and/or Norm Pardo (stop it! sorry, my spell checker wants me to use “pardon” here) and I will never meet. When I was younger there was always somebody wiser around who knew exactly how to coax my sometimes unwanted hope by saying something incipient like, “you can never say never,” whenever I said, “never.” As you get older, you come to understand the reality of “never,” and bonus, you actually appreciate use of the word. So, me meet O. J. and Norm? “Never say never?” Never.

O. J. Simpson. Enough said. If you’ve made it this far, there is no box. But Norm Pardo? Norm, by his own admission is a “Super Promoter.” Those who are kind say he is a Documentary Film Maker, Producer, Publicist or a Videographer, whatever that is. Norm’s thing is that somewhere within most of four years between 2000 through 2005 he took an “Excellent Adventure” bus trip with O. J. all over the place and when they ran out of gas, Norm had amassed 70 hours of fodder on his handi-cam. Norm claims he made no money, and that is and is not true, but let’s talk about value and work ethos for a sec. So, four years, that’s 4 x 365 (celebrities don’t take weekends) = 1,460 days. Don’t get up, I have a calculator, that’s 35,040 hours. Norm, you must have the vapors by now, here’s a peppermint. Dood, you worked on average just over 17 hours a year! Where’s the bus stop, I want on.

Whew, my head hurts. Though this monumental film is worthless, even Norm deserves to eat, if for no other reason than to live to entertain those of us now looking for the box. So, let’s give Norm the then minimum wage of $5.15/hour. That’s about $90 bucks a year. No need for TurboTax Norm, the IRS says you’re exempt and I agree. Of course without Congress meddling with a minimum wage, the free market might have paid more for your art. Me? Never.

“All work, and no play,” and just where does the time get to anyway? Some of the film was aired by Nancy Grace on ET back in August, 2006. It goes like this:

SIMPSON: I love my life. Isn`t life wonderful? Thank you, Jesus!
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You ever sniff coke?
SIMPSON: In my life?
SIMPSON: I refuse to answer that question. In recent years? No.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: But in your life. If you refuse, that means yes.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: This is a come-clean show.
SIMPSON: Let me tell you, when I retired from football, I went and did what everybody was doing.
No bus wants to pick up O.J. He`s, like…
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: O. J.`s new lowest low.
He`s at a bus stop.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I filmed this because this is sort of weird.
SIMPSON: Then when they catch people doing it, they don`t do nothing to them. When they catch people lying, they don`t — like, they caught Fuhrman lying. When the tape came out, everybody talked, Oh, he said (DELETED). Who cares if he said (DELETED).

Nancy Grace then posed the only possible question, “Why the tapes? Why now? And what are we seeing about what Simpson has done or not done with his life since his wife was practically beheaded in the front yard?”

The answer is that Norm and O. J. were doing this pay-per-click web site called “” I remember what I said when I first heard about it. Never. The web site and content of the film went nowhere real fast, and I’m sure Norm blames bad timing. I mean, even I know you put your best stuff on air during “Sweeps” in November – not August. But, in fairness to Norm, I’m no Videographer. I mean, how could we not want to tune into this docudrama of O. J. sitting on a curb waiting on a bus, stage-left to O. J. in a bar cigar between his teeth with three babes squirming in his lap and better lines than Moses, “Thank you, Jesus!” Somehow, 70 hours of this has me rifling hard in the dumpster for my box.

But this wasn’t not new soil for O. J. He did a DVD titled “Juice,” where he acted as a used car salesman trying to sell a Ford Bronco, which, of course, was the ride used in his infamous slow-speed police chase. (That was good TV). He also signed autographs for money at a horror convention where there were fake severed limbs just a couple of feet away, and reportedly starred in a pay-for-view porn web video.

I know, I’m distracted. Let’s exit stage right to Norm Pardo. Norm was asked if he was making any money off, to which he replied, “no.” He didn’t actually lie, but there again, had any real money been made, I doubt the Goldmans were in mind. You should know that in addition to his role as cameraman, Norm booked the shows in the 30 some cities toured with O. J., and the clubs did cover “expenses,” according to Norm.
So, with now joined with all the other “dot bombs,” Norm had a problem. Four years of life gone and a pocket full of film. Norm decided we’d rather read than watch so the brainstorm of a print version was born. According to Norm, he hired a “ghost” writer and was speaking with publishers about a book deal. I’m guessing the publishers were about my age as they all said – never. Yale Galanter, O. J. ‘s attorney was asked about all this and replied, “I assume Mr. Pardo`s motives are to make money because he`s got the film and there`s nothing else he could do with it, so he`s created this Web site. And at some point, there’ll either be a fee for a book or somehow or another, Mr. Pardo will end up making money.” So much for counting out-of-state plates on this road trip, there’s work to do.

Now, let’s bring back O. J. for a minute. Remember the book deal? No, not the one above, but the more recent one, the “If I Did It,” (murdered my wife and Ron Goldman) and likewise doomed Fox TV show deal. It’s a long sordid story, and it took a while, but the book publisher and Fox finally and rightly said – never. But O. J. knows no limits when money is involved, and he did get paid for the effort. O. J. had this to say during an interview on a Miami, Florida radio show:

SIMPSON: Come on, guys. Let`s grow up. Would everybody stop being so naive? Let`s grow up. Of course I got paid. Of course I spent the money on my bills. It`s gone.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: So in terms of the Goldmans —
SIMPSON: It`s gone. I deserve the right to earn money, if I can earn money.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: But O. J., wait, wait.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: How does that affect the judgment? I think that`s what people are saying. Any time you earn money, —
SIMPSON: It doesn`t.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: OK, because people think that any time you get a check, the Goldmans get a check.
SIMPSON: No, that`s not correct. And guess what? There are people who I owe before the Goldmans.

It really should all end here, but it does not. You see, as I understand it, Norm wasn’t in on the “If I Did It” deal. O. J. got his, and Norm’s still got a problem – a pocket full of film. (I should let my spell-checker go, it wants “flim”). Norm was interviewed just this past late November by A. J. Hammer on Showbiz Tonight (Bear in mind – a CNN show) and had this to say:

HAMMER: You know, there has been plenty of controversy surrounding the amount of money that O. J. could have made from this Fox fiasco. On the tapes that he shot with you over the course of those four years, at one point he says, I`ll do anything to make a dollar. Did you kind of walk away from your experience with him believing he would do anything for a buck?
PARDO: Well, it`s all about the money. It`s all about the money with a lot of people. I never at one time felt Fox was going to air this. I knew that this was basically the same thing Barbara Walters did. She did the same thing.
HAMMER: You knew from the start that this Fox project was dead on arrival.
PARDO: That`s correct. I knew that was going nowhere. I knew that he managed to dupe Fox into doing it. He`s a very smart man. They under estimated him.
HAMMER: So you think that he took advantage of their naivete in this situation. This is a big corporation we`re talking about.
PARDO: For anybody to believe that O. J. Simpson, to start with, would go on Fox. On my tapes, that`s the network that he despised the most. I mean, he — he hated Fox. HAMMER: In terms of the tapes that you have, Norm, there have been some conflicting reports flying around as far as those are concerned. Are you in fact selling them, or are you still pitching them around, or have you sold the tapes already? PARDO: We`re working with a couple different networks to try to put together a program.
HAMMER: What are you —
PARDO: I want them edited as a documentary to show O. J. Simpson, both sides of him, the way it was meant to be, not, you know, where he`s going to confess on TV, –blah blah blah — the real tapes, just him out in the streets. You can see him for what he is. And then you, like me, would have known he would have never confessed on Fox. Fox hired Mark Furman as a commentator

Sour grapes? Duplicitous? Geez, Louise. Poor Norm. The “Magical Mystery (bus) Tour” took a wrong turn and was an un”Excellent Adventure.” a “dot bomb.” Never titled nor written book deal number one – fizzzzz, gone. No “dance card” for book deal number two or follow-up Fox TV show, “If I Did It.” And now to make my spell-checker happy, he’s still got a pocket full of “flim.” Norm has a problem, and now this really bad “joke,” about a little girl who can’t even talk yet. Did O. J. say it? I said it doesn’t matter, and it really depends. Follow the money. But Norm, when are you going to learn, “that dog can’t hunt.”

The dog. Oh yeah. This is a story about my dog. He’s a good dog, older now, and does his stuff in the back yard. I know this, because my Uncle was over the other day cussin’ at the back door. I went to open and asked him; “What’s the matter?” He said, “I’m trying to get all this G**D*** O. J. Simpson off my shoe.” Think my dog will change? Never.

“Everybody Is Up To Something” sm



Every “Dummy” remembers that famous line from the 1970’s sitcom Sanford and Son used by Fred G. Sanford a/k/a Redd Foxx, every time life presented a challenging, “cardiac” event. Beloved Anna Nicole Smith died February 8, 2007 and after a bunch of never to end ado, was finally buried March 2, 2007. Poor James Brown died this past Christmas Day, and he’s yet to push daisy roots.


So, you think it takes too long to bury the dead these days? I say, nah, and forget about those post-mortem wishes. Why? Well, see that lady at the top of the page? That’s Truganini a/k/a Lalla Rooke, and a bunch of other names, but that’s not important.

Lalla was born in 1812, it’s believed, and died May 8, 1876. Her place of birth was on Bruny Island which is just south of Hobart, Tasmania. Lalla did some pretty interesting stuff during the way back then Black War, but that’s not important either. And neither is it important that she was claimed to be the last surviving Tasmanian Aboriginal human being. (Choose a. if you favor Politically Incorrect, or, b. for Racial Profiling). Yawn.

After all, why dwell on the details and travails of living accomplishment? (As if just living isn’t hard enough) That’s boring, and oh so twentieth century. The “de rigueur” here and now “dahlings” is “rigor,” “mortus,” that is. Dead is happening. You see, what’s really important about the persona of Lalla was that she wasn’t buried until 1976 and 2002. It seems most of her was placed on display by the Royal Society of Tasmania until 1976, 100 years after death, until her last wishes to be cremated and strewn were respected. But, oops, her hair and skin were found in 2002 in a collection of The Royal College of Surgeons of England who rather sportingly spirited same back to Tasmania for disposition. Pip pip cheerio, carry on, and all that. What else you got in that collection? Bloody Hell!

James, old bean, “I Feel Good,” and “Get On Up!” You’ll forever be, “The Hardest Workin’ Man In Show Business.”

“Everybody Is Up To Something.” sm (OMG, a whole new meaning here?) 🙂

LOS ANGELES: Pole At’ewe Productions of Beverly Hills has announced their latest reality based show; “Nassau Full-O’ ” taken from the once longest running (until now) TV shows; Hawaii-50. (Click Intro Tune)


Howard K. Stern as the no-nonsense squatter Steve McGarrett


“Larry-O” Birkhead as the ever-ready and able Danny “Book me, ‘Em” Williams


Virgie “Can I Plead the 5th” Arthur as Steve’s nemesis the evil Wo Fat


Dr. Joshua Perper as his “Raison d’Etre” Pathologist Doc Berg


Larry “I Got a Show” Seidlin as Detective Chin Ho Kelly


“Big Moe” as Detective look-alike Kono Kalakaua


Donald Eugene “We’re Not In Texas Anymore?” Hogan as Ben Kokua


Prince Freddy “Zsa Zsa” Anhalt as the Duke Lukela


Immigration Minister Shane “Don’ Worry, Be Happy” Gibson as the Governor


(Click Closing Tune)

“Everybody Is Up To Something” sm