“Gravity can be the wait of the world for many men, often not discussed because of the sensitive nature of the tissue.”

Bearing the burden of a heavy proof, erectile dysfunction (ED) is nothing more than a classical mechanical engineering problem, says a US urologist. Thanks to mathematical models of penile geometry and hydrostatic pressure, doctors can predict when penises will fail, so says the Doc, Daniel Udelson, a research urologist and professor of aerospace engineering at Boston University.

Because I slept through physics, I was reminded, the most widely investigated parameter of penile rigidity (a boner) is Intracavernosal Pressure (a pre-boner, or ICP) – the fluid pressure achieved by blood build-up (a rush) in the two expandable “caverns” of the penis. For a healthy man, the erect ICP is between 60 and 90 millimeters, but can drop to just 30 millimeters in men with erectile dysfunction (ED, or; no boner).

That penis “bucklometer” thing up there in the picture proves it, and I’m betting you’re going to see this handy item in the just before Christmas issue of the Sharper Image Catalog. I mean, Richard Thalheimer owes me royal dutch for that suck-ass “Ionic Breeze” I got last year, which just “sits there,” doing little more than circulating hot air, not unlike its nameless giver.

Lest you have slept for the past ten years, anti-impotence drugs, such as Viagra, work by relaxing arterial muscles and allowing more blood, and hence more pressure, to build up in the penis. (I have no problem in discussing sensitive tissues with you, my friends and rabid readers. I share your pain, and offer a science backed bedroom excuse; “Damn ICP, I told you not to bend!)

But Dr. Udelson, needed more, and began thinking about penis geometry – specifically the ratio of width to length (aka a right angle) and how this ought to play a significant role in the robustness of an erection against the force of sexual intercourse (e.g; a not so robust sexual recipient).



So, what Dr. Udelson did (hide the children), was develop a model that would predict the buckling force, based on penis length, circumference and the ease of expandability over a range of ICPs. This weird science is a direct adaptation of building column buckling research by the Swiss mathematician Leonhard Euler, whose 300th birthday was this past April 15. (Three ironies of note: 1. April 15 is indeed a back “buckling” day for many. 2. Euler is pronounced, “oiler.” 3. “Leonhard” is a name derivative of “hard lion). Sorry for the cognitive interuptus, all in the name of science, you know.

Udelson tested the model against 57 men with erectile dysfunction. Each was measured by slowly (thankfully) injecting their penises with saline solution until erect. (What fun!) Udelson then applied a force to the tip of each penis until they started to bend, the first sign of buckling. (“Breaker-breaker, good buddy!” Again, sorry, but note; 1. Finding ED sufferers is easy, just a walk in the park, and why the “sample” was expanded to 57 is because, “variety is the spice of life,” I recall. 2. I was busy, and did not contact Dr. U to find out percentages and performances amongst cut and uncut species 3. Like you, I was mildly curious if money changed hands here, but there are polite limits to questioning allowed, lest you appear a “jerk” in this august scholastic circle).

Now, witnesses attested the model correctly predicted the buckling forces for 80% of the enduring patients. Force applied ranged from about 2 kilograms to just 0.3 kg, given a pressure of 50 millimeters. Doctor U also rightly postulated the buckling force during intercourse doesn’t just rely a man’s blood flow and penis shape, but also depends on the destination of the penis. (Bravo! 57 hard dicks, and no friends. And, no, I was not an invited witness or otherwise. This is indeed earth moving, rocket science thinking, here).

Previous studies have found that the force required in penetration depends on orifice diameter and lubrication, ranging from 1.5 to 2.5 kg. So, “an individual male may exhibit ED with one partner but not with another,” said Udelson. Brilliant, I say! (Note: Theorem ~ lubrication is to slick as Euler is to “oiler”).

Not to belittle Doctor Udelson’s research, as I’m always a little miffed with myself for lack of self-pressure and sometimes desire, when long ago I too was in the protective womb of the University. I sincerely hope the trustees at Boston U fully appreciate the painstaking thrust behind this climactic study and future ramifications.

Likewise, due to restraint, my spotty homage to Leonhard Euler is nothing more than embarrassing. Euler’s principles enabled erection of taller structures, most notably and firstly; the Eiffel Tower, and he was indeed a man who came well before his time.

As a belated birthday tribute, I relate in 1727, Leonhard entered the “Paris Academy Prize Problem competition,” where the problem that year was to find the best way to place the masts on a ship. He won second place, losing only to Pierre Bouguer, a man now known as “the father of naval architecture.” Euler, however, would eventually win the coveted annual prize twelve times in his career. (“Hey, Sailor Boy!” Three closing notes here: 1. On losing the prize, “getting it up is not the same as getting it in.” 2. On
twelve subsequent conquests; “try, try again, patience is a virtue, all good things…” 3. To Pierre Bouguer; “whatever floats your boat”).


Our Research ~ Journal reference: UK Journal of the Royal Society Interface (DOI: 10.1098/rsif.2007.0221)


“The Kitten Killer of Hangzhou”


A man in North Carolina opened a crate of goods just arrived on a freighter from China and was surprised to see a cat inside. The cat had chewed through one of the boxes before it left Shanghai this past April 3, and spent at least 35 days without food or water, on the ship inside the container packed with motorcycle gear.

The man saw the cat cowering in a corner, visibly weak, but still alive. He called for assistance from his municipalities animal services agency when the frightened cat would not let him near. The cat was retrieved and given care and was immediately spoken for in adoption. A happy story. The rest is not.

Above – Chinese Stop Animal Cruelty effort poster in very limited circulation. This small, but growing effort is, for the most part, confined to the Internet. Those in support know awareness is the first step.

Above – “Gainmas,” “The Kitten Killer of Hangzhou”


Above – Left, dogs sold for food in Shanghai market. Right, cats prepared for meal.

Previously, a handful of concerned people in China were searching for a glamorously dressed woman who has been photographed crushing a kitten to death with her stiletto heels. Gruesome pictures, naturally, first popped up on an Internet website, where they were later reproduced over astonishment in some Chinese newspapers. In one picture, the woman, wearing a cocktail dress with a leopard-print top and black skirt, caresses a tortoiseshell kitten lovingly. Then she puts it on the ground, looks at it – and lowers a stiletto heel on to its head, ending the kitten’s life. The remaining images are graphic and deeply disturbing. The last photograph shows the woman staring into the distance with a puzzled look on her face.

The location for the photographs was identified from a narrow stretch of water in the background as being Hangzhou, a city south-west of Shanghai. A “WHOIS” type Internet trace on the website led to this location, and the mystery woman was dubbed simply, “The Kitten Killer of Hangzhou.” From here, clues began linking the pictures to an international community of animal sadists and fetishists. One website said the sequence was well-known in Japan, where it began as a dark advertisement for a brand of stiletto shoes modeled by “The Kitten Killer.”

Hitting a dead-end, the search returned to China when an Internet surfer came across a picture of a 37-year-old woman from Hubei province with the Internet nickname “Gainmas,” she had registered on a website in Hangzhou, China. More sleuthing produced evidence she had recently bought a pair of stilettoes on eBay. “Gainmas” was also registered with “QQ,” a popular Chinese messaging service, where she included the “About Me” profile; “I furiously crush everything to do with you and me.”

Realizing she had been discovered, her QQ address went dead, but not before several messages had been recorded. In one, she is smug, saying “So what?” when asked if the pictures are of her, and then, when asked again, replying; “In theory.”

Subsequently, she was physically located by a reporter and questioned, and defensively said; “Suddenly hundreds of people are on my QQ and cursing me. What’s the problem if I crush cats? It’s a type of experience. You wouldn’t understand.”

She’s right, I don’t understand. What I do know is that what we consider violent and criminal behavior toward animals is rarely covered, and taboo as to pictures in China’s press. You see, there are no regulations preventing cruelty to animals in China. As a result, “Gainmas” is left free to her desires without fear of prosecution.

This story and the photographs (I decided to pull before posting this) would have never seen the surface if not for the Internet, the only real resource of hope for the slow, but growing social conscience of some in China. Though efforts continue to censure the Internet, the Chinese government is finding it virtually impossible to stop, the “virtual.” Good news, bad news. Wouldn’t you know that because of the “publicity,” copycat (sorry, no pun) kitten killers are popping up on the Internet in China, the latest in Xinhau. Same “MO,” pictures more grotesque.

What’s going on here is maybe more than can be imagined and can be splintered into endless topical permutations, way far beyond where I’m prepared to go today. Those who care about animal welfare, do not lose the fundamental premise here; animal cruelty is a crime whether or not punishable by law, which is not the case in China. Misunderstandings over SARS, avian flu and rabies have led to mass extinction of chickens and other fowl in China. Some feel these very killings brought “the wrath of God,” who repayed with yet more disease. Dogs and cats are a big source of food in China, notably Shanghai.

Is animal S&M a growing entertainment fad in China? Is government control over the media in the face of an economic boom leading to other outlets of self-expression? Is Google selling your identity to the Chinese in payment for entry to a market of kitten killers? Are we receiving poisoned pet food from China as some form of economic punishment? Who knows, and see what I mean? Endless. “Gainmas” said it; “you wouldn’t understand.” As sick as I perceive her mind by my standards, shared or not, the infamous “Gainmas” knows something.

I’ve been trying to get in touch with that man in North Carolina who found the cat, to commend him for his efforts. I came to find out they named the cat “China.” For my own arrogant reasons, I wanted to persuade him to rethink naming the cat to my choice; “Gainmas,” the mysterious cat that knew something, and also got away.


“Check your air, Mister?”


How much is gasoline where you’re complaining from? Lately, gassing-up is right there with opening the 401K statement when it comes to shits and grins. Some of you are paying over $4.00 a gallon, and it may be a while before we see the peak. Remember, we’ve got the summer to drive around dodging hurricanes, and after that comes winter, which I predict will bring colder than present temperatures, and together prices surely aren’t going south, so, just learn to deal with the pump and your now “201K.” Supply, demand, gouging, stupidity, uprisings, weather, bad dog food, tainted catfish, and more explain high gas prices. Now you know.

Take a look at the cities above and what they are paying per gallon in USD. If you kind-of back into the numbers and average prices around the US, and forget about including indexing pork belly futures or some other nefarious global statistical kabob skewer, it’s obvious we are getting hosed. By my calculations, the figure is a staggering two bucks a gallon. The choices are clear, according to what the experts say. Buy a smaller car, use ET looking light bulbs, or don’t wipe your ‘windshield’ anymore. Well, none of that for me, I am a comfort creature. I want my two bucks back because two bucks is two bucks where I’m from, so I might just move to one of these ten cities and hang on to my money. Want to drive along? I’m glad for the company.


1. Caracas, Venezuela – population: 3, 276,000. $0.14 a gallon, wow! Take a good look at the picture. The Caracans totally redefined the purpose of the Cul de Sac. See that little tiny spit of asphalt in the center of the photo? It’s unbelievable. See the second, third, etc. row homes? There’s no driveway taking you there, and you park your car elsewhere and walk home, if you can figure out which house is yours. This explains the popularity of amphetamines in Caracas. The whole place grew up never knowing the benefit of urban planning. Forget about picking the right neighborhood, there are whole “cities” within the city of Caracas, and they play by different rules and laws. Some have water and power, and some don’t. Why drive? Where’s your two bucks going? Shoe leather. This is not going to work.

2. Baku, Azerbaijan – population: 2,036,000. $1.15 a gallon. Why the jump? You get what you pay for – the wind. It never stops. Northern polar air influences blow through the oil fields into the city and right out to the oil tankers filling up in the Caspian Sea. It’s not cold, per se, but learn to speak Russian and find something to do in the oil business, you’ll need to, and without question, your two dollars is going to either be spent on hair spray or a ball cap. I hate wind.

3. Dushanbe, Tajikistan – population: 7,320,000. $1.32 a gallon. OK, I’m getting nervous. See the scenic mountains in the background and wonder why the pretty lady isn’t up there hiking or picking anemones? Well, her nervous system might be shot by all the uranium they mine up there. There are some very strange medical conditions going on in Dushanbe, and now that the war is “dying” down, Tajikistan is promoted by the department of tourism as a mountain climbers dream. Sounds to me like a plot to get your two bucks after your thyroid explodes. Don’t give it away though, buy yourself a good Geiger counter – clicking noises are your friend. Dushanbe and Boulder, CO are sister cities, which makes perfect sense to me, as there is truly something in the water in both.

4. Atyrau, Kazakhstan – population: 150,000. $1.35 a gallon. Alright, decent size town and cheap gas. Atyrau is pronounced “at raw,” and they mean it. This is rough, tough country, land and otherwise. Really, the only reason the place exists is because of the gas, not the price, getting it out of the ground. Talk about zero culture, my 85 year old grandmother has more history on her than Atyrau. This is West Side Story, meets the Hatfields and McCoys while outrunning Jesse James rushing for the 1849 gold. There are the “natives,” the Kazakhs, and the ex-pat Turks, who believe they bought the place. “We will f(use)k your women, Kazakh,” is a common greeting at the “office,” and it ain’t rhetorical like calling somebody a ‘ho with nappy hair. Your two dollars here is best spent topping off the tank and getting out of Dodge. It’s scary here.

5. Almaty, Kazakhstan – population: 2,000,000. $1.36 a gallon. I’m not being totally fair to anybody here, and things do get better in Almaty, thanks to oil money. You can land in the good airport and find modern lodging, but being a vegetarian because my dog talked me into it, I don’t know about eating “chuzhuk.” Sounds Russian for “up-chuck,” doesn’t it? You might, after your waiter informs this is horse meat sausage, quite the “tooth-picker” here. Almaty is the end of the line for the Siberian railroad – period. The area is prone to earthquakes and mudslides, and certain areas look like the surface of the moon thanks to active mud volcanoes. They are wild to watch bubble, and many locals don’t even know about them, so get a map, or call me! This place gets on your nerves quickly, and evidently, the government felt the same, as Almaty was the capital of Kazakhstan until it decided to move in 1997. Broken things, that we take for granted, like railroad tracks, just don’t get fixed. You simply step around it here, as, “if it’s broke, why fix it?” The Soviet Union melt-down had it’s good an bad sides, and you get to live with both here. Two dollars to spend? Do the equines a favor and brown-bag a PB&J.

6. Moscow, Russia – population: 10,469.000. $1.45 a gallon. It’s cold here, but you knew that. People are rude here, and I know the reason. It’s a bathroom issue. Did you see the picture? That’s a Moscow street public men’s room, and actually, not a bad one. You have to pay to go to the bathroom in Moscow, everywhere, even McDonald’s, unless you’re eating. The bathroom in this picture does not have doors, and it’s cold, but you imagined that, and the bathrooms really smell, with or without doors. See the “attendant” on the throne? He was either dead or dead drunk, I do not know, and you’ll enjoy your life longer by avoiding both types in Moscow. If Rudy Guilliani flunks in 2008, he would be a God-send for Moscow. New York City returned to smiles, thanks to Rudy and Charmin licking the bathroom issue. Two dollars here is worth every penny spent on toilet paper. It’s very hard to find, and Cheryl Crow would go completely unnoticed in Moscow.

7. Shanghai, China – population: 18,670,000. $1.48 a gallon. The air pollution here is the worst in the world. The picture does not depict an unusual day. Shanghai is the Sasquatch of all carbon footprints. What’s causing it? What’s not causing it. Money is way too important in Shanghai. There is no “EPA,” and very little effort to stop this. This picture should be answer enough as to why China would not sign Kyoto. I don’t see any solution to this, as the government condones it, and the public is forced to live with it. I asked a Shanghai bud about this, and he said fear was the main kindling fueling this mess. The best the would-be Chinese Al Gores can do is call attention to the problem via the Internet, and hope they don’t get caught and shut down, or worse. If you’re thinking about a vasectomy, save your money and move to Shanghai. Male infertility is 20% higher here, and they think the cause might be the air. Also, animal cruelty is a horror story in Shanghai, and I’m finishing a piece on that. There are no laws preventing animal cruelty, and mass slaughter under the guise of rabies amok, and eating dogs and cats is common in Shanghai. You can kick a dog to death for no reason in front of the police station if you wish, without fear of prosecution. This, and far worse, sadly happens. Save your two bucks for an iron lung or stomach in Shanghai.

8. Tianjin, China – population: 10,240,000. $1.54 a gallon. You know how we have hurricane tracking and are getting better with tornadoes and tsunamis, sort-of? Tianjin over the past couple of years has been developing technology to do the same with recurrent sandstorms sweeping out of Mongolia. It’s hard to equate a sandstorm. I guess, a white-out blizzard is close, but not equal. Blowing sand hurts, as you can imagine from the photo, and depending on the intensity, you cannot see, hear, or worse – move. It’s a very helpless sensation. These storms are bionic, and it’s like God at work relocating his deserts. Once this stuff gets going, it circles the globe. There are some jaw dropping satellite photos on the NASA site. Your two bucks will get you some aloe-Vera, needed if you’re caught with your pants down.

9. Bangkok, Thailand – population: anybodies guess. $1.60 a gallon. The “registered” population of Bangkok is 7,000,000, but this figure is a figment. The real number is closer to 15,000,000, and growing, thanks to the outlying areas flooding the city every day. Bangkok’s biggest bane is the traffic. No, that’s not rush hour in the picture, that’s every hour, every day, all day and night. Bangkok is fun, and you will have a good time, provided you can get where you want to be. If you’re the “type A,” go-getter business person with aspirations of making five power meetings a day around town, forget it. Traffic crawls, and a half-mile an hour is not too shabby. People set their evening social schedules around distance in Bangkok, which can also limit your circle of friends. I wouldn’t feel guilty about regretting an invitation to a party over two miles away, as the host expects as much anyhow. One thing maybe you’ll miss about driving in Bangkok is making a left turn. You get to go around the block here a lot to get there. I’ll never understand why they equip autos in Bangkok with turn signals or mirrors, totally unnecessary options. Clearly, you will not save any money on gas, as it simply idles away.

10. Vientiane, Laos – population: 200,000. $1.66 a gallon. You probably won’t drive here, because there is not much reason. So, this capital city of Laos is truly the place to stretch your petro-funds. Good food with the expected French influence, and great beer. Everything and everybody moves slowly here, and after a couple of days, you might find yourself checking the calendar for the right month. Did I mention the beer? The Mekong River runs through town, and can sometimes turn the place into a mud pit, but there’s plenty of beer. This is a good rest stop before moving on.

I could conclude by saying, “see, it’s all relative,” but it’s not. The likelihood of me relocating to any of the above is not going to happen by my volition, and gas prices hurt. What can you do? Search for the filling stations with TV’s built into the pumps to avoid looking over your shoulder for an approaching sandstorm, because that’s not going to happen either. Cheers!



“It’s clear there’s a danger to our food supply. But there’s a real worry about catfish. Groceries require a country-of-origin label; restaurant menus do not. About 70 percent of the overall supply of commercial catfish is sold to restaurants. Sometimes diners don’t know what they’re getting,” said Jeff McCord, spokesman of the Catfish Farmers of America, a trade association.


Fishers in northern Thailand netted this huge catfish in the Mekong River on May 1, 2005. Nearly nine feet long (2.7 meters) and as big as a grizzly bear, the behemoth tipped the scales at 646 pounds (293 kilograms). Experts say the fish, which belongs to the species known as the Mekong giant catfish, may be the largest freshwater fish ever recorded.

Scandal turns tide on fish imports

By Jennifer Harper
May 4, 2007

First, “beware toxic dog food”; now, “beware tainted catfish.”
Southern states are leading the charge against imported Chinese catfish contaminated with hazardous substances.
“Currently, all samples of the foreign catfish tested by the Mississippi Department of Agriculture and Commerce have shown the presence of a banned substance,” said Commissioner Lester Spell Jr., who has halted sales in grocery stores after two antibiotics were found in frozen fillets.
“Consumers have the right to know if the food they are eating contains illegal drugs,” Dr. Spell said. “There is the possibility that these same adulterated fish are being offered to customers at hospitals, public schools, nursing homes and public restaurants.”
Last week, 14 out of 20 samples of Chinese catfish in Alabama also revealed antibiotics, prompting agriculture officials to stop grocery sales there as well.
Wal-Mart has removed all Chinese catfish from its stores nationwide, “to err on the side of caution,” said spokeswoman Karen Burk. Arkansas farming officials, meanwhile, announced yesterday that they would begin testing the imported fish immediately.
It’s a pretty big catch, however. According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s Fisheries Service, imports of Chinese-farmed catfish grew from 3.8 million pounds in 2005 to almost 17 million pounds by 2006. The fish also are imported from Malaysia, Thailand and Vietnam, where the catfish farming boom is threatening the nation’s freshwater supply.
Sometimes sold as generic “whitefish,” the frozen Asian fillets are significantly cheaper than American brands and command more than 30 percent of the annual $590 million catfish industry. This invasion has irked catfish farmers in 13 states, who contend that the foreign fish are raised in filthy waters and fed the same grain that compromised the nation’s pet food supply.
“The pet food incident has shined a light on an issue that already exists, and that is the fact that there are many contaminated products coming from China, not just wheat,” said Dick Stevens, president of Consolidated Catfish Cos., a Mississippi-based processor.
“It’s clear there’s a danger to our food supply. But there’s a real worry about catfish. Groceries require a country-of-origin label; restaurant menus do not. About 70 percent of the overall supply of commercial catfish is sold to restaurants. Sometimes diners don’t know what they’re getting,” said Jeff McCord, spokesman of the Catfish Farmers of America, a trade association.
Some unscrupulous restaurants, he added, substitute cheaper Asian catfish for grouper and other fish, prompting some state health departments to use DNA testing to detect the “counterfeit.”
Last year, the Food and Drug Administration issued alerts for some Chinese and Vietnamese fish found to contain four banned antibiotics plus malachite green and crystal violet — industrial dyes linked to cancer and to liver and kidney damage.
Consumer scares like toxic dog food, meanwhile, are perceived as cautionary tales. A survey of 1,172 adults in from New York-based ad agency J. Walter Thompson revealed that 68 percent said the contamination illustrated how vulnerable the U.S. food supply was to sabotage.






City earns not-so-distinguished distinction for second year in a row!

How cities ranked in road rage

Residents in the following 25 cities were surveyed and are listed in order from those reporting the most incidents of road rage to the fewest:


1. Miami

2. New York

3. Boston

4. Los Angeles

5. Washington, D.C.

6. Phoenix

7. Chicago

8. Sacramento, Calif.

9. Philadelphia

10. San Francisco

11. Houston

12. Atlanta

13. Detroit

14. Minneapolis-St. Paul

15. Baltimore

16. Tampa, Fla.

17. San Diego

18. Cincinnati

19. Cleveland

20. Denver

21. Dallas-Ft. Worth

22. St. Louis

23. Seattle-Tacoma

24. Pittsburgh

25. Portland, Ore.

Source: AutoVantage’s “In the Driver’s Seat Road Rage Survey”


Jerry Falwell



Jerry Falwell was the Baptist minister who founded the Thomas Road Bible Church in Lynchburg, Virginia (1956) and gained national prominence through television and radio on the Old Time Gospel Hour. In the late 1970s he became active in politics, founding and leading the Moral Majority, a lobbying group made up of conservative Christians. Falwell also founded Liberty University (originally Lynchburg Baptist College) and headed a variety of educational organizations that include a theological seminary and a correspondence school. Outspoken and charismatic, his sometimes controversial opinions often made national headlines. In 2001 he was vilified in the press for blaming terrorist attacks in the United States on pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays, lesbians, the American Civil Liberties Union and People For The American Way, saying “I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen.'” He later amended his statements, saying that secularization had “created an environment which possibly has caused God to lift the veil of protection which has allowed no one to attack America on our soil since 1812.” Falwell died in 2007 after being found unconscious in his office at Liberty University. Falwell famously sued Hustler publisher Larry Flynt over a 1983 cartoon. The incident was depicted in the 1996 feature film The People v. Larry Flynt.

16 May, 2007

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) – In Lynchburg, Virginia today they’re mourning the loss of Jerry Falwell, the T-V evangelist who founded the Moral Majority and became the face of the religious right in the 1980s.

Not so in San Francisco.

A so-called “anti-memorial” is being planned in San Francisco’s Castro district to mark the Falwell’s death. Gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders will speak out about Falwell past efforts to demonize the gay community.

Falwell even created a furor in 1999 when one of his publications suggested that that the purse-carrying “Teletubbies” character Tinky Winky was gay.

People attending today’s event are asked to bring signs calling for religious acceptance of gays, and Tinky Winky dolls.


Have some fun with these parting gifts from Jerry. Just select the size that is right for that irritating co-worker who is now on break, and find the highlighters. Try to stay within the lines! 🙂





Wet desired body part, and hold to screen, 20 seconds, for lasting effect!





KENNETH PINYAN (b.1960~d.2005)

Movie Trailer – “The Zoo”

Remember the story a couple of years ago about the guy in Washington State that had sex with a horse and died shortly after? The story was so shocking that the victims name was withheld from the press for a while, but finally revealed as Kenneth Pinyan, 45, a divorced father and engineer with Boeing in Seattle. He and a couple of Internet pals shared the same sexual desires over horses and video cameras, and a “session” on July 2, 2005 ended his life. The setting was a small horse community of Enumclaw in the shadow of Mt. Ranier, not far from Seattle. One of the “players” videoed the act, and somehow the thing got on the WWW as these sex movies will, and of course, it’s still floating around, and no, you won’t find it here, but if you’ve forgotten, it is often referred to as “Mr. Hands.” It’s graphic, and so bad that if you get caught with it at work, you probably will be ushered off the property sans an exit interview with HR. The video got the name from the user-nick Pinyan had in his Yahoo profile, “Mrhands60,” which for reasons beyond me, is still available on Yahoo. In fact, the picture here, cropped by me of the adult nature, is thanks to Yahoo, who really ought to charge somebody with purging this kind of morbid shit for the sake of the living family. (Consider your own legacy, geez-us).

Anyhow, almost immediately following the incident, legislators in the State of Washington motivated themselves to get a law on the books to legally attempt to curtail this type of behavior between human and beast, making them the 38th State in the Union to make bestiality a crime. Yes, you read that right – you can play “Old MacDonald” in many areas of the Country, free from legal prosecution. Persecution is usually worse these days, anyway. Now, the story is hitting theaters around the nation, titled “The Zoo.”

“‘Sexual contact’ means any contact, however slight, between the sex organ or anus of a person and the sex organ, mouth, or anus of any animal, or any intrusion, however slight, of any part of the body of the person into the sex organ or anus of an animal, for the purpose of sexual gratification or arousal of the person. Evidence of emission of semen is not required to prove sexual contact.”

What you read, had it been a synopsis of “The Zoo,” no doubt, would have made the film this summer’s sensation. In actuality, the aforementioned is language from the Washington State Bill, unanimously passed into law February a year ago. I mean, come on. What barn yard bozo was going to vote “no?” The drafters were going to include some type of Internet language, but decided it would be to difficult to enforce.

If you’re thinking “The Zoo” is going to provide this type of “insight,” then this is not the movie for you. Thankfully, for me, anyway, it’s not there. I caught a showing of this at Sundance in January, and was sorely disappointed in that this tragic story was somehow displaced and I left the theater wondering what mentally killed Kenneth Pinyan surely long prior to the death of his physical being. From reaction of the crowd in attendance, I do not believe I was alone in thought. Probably the best depiction of the whole mess was written in a story by Charles Mudede titled, “The Animal in You,” appearing in his column in Seattle’s paper, “The Stranger,” in late February, 2006. It’s too long to reprint here, but when you have time, hit the link and read – it is outstanding. Charles, who also was the screenwriter for “The Zoo,” superbly told the story in his article of the man, normal by day and polar opposite at night, and the “The Zoo” would have been the perfect “ride” as to the “why,” but I just didn’t see it. The following are excerpts from comments of review of Sundance from me and Charles on the /Film website:

“Those who were laughing were laughing because we wanted them to laugh. not the laughter of the gums but the laughter of the idea–in the original Greek sense of that word, which is equal in meaning to the universal forms beyond particular appearances. when one of the narrators who is mixing drinks and preparing for guests, horse lovers from around the world, to arrive, says: “it’s like anywhere else in America. people are doing this sort of thing every weekend.” if you are not laughing at both the connotation and the denotation of this then we are sorry that is not the case. the thing you must remember is cosmic laughter which comes, for us as artists, very close to universal sorrow. it’s sad that you are not very bright, as critic (you might be good at other things), but the film is really packed with these kinds of difficult insights.” ~ Charles Mudede

“Charles~If you had stayed true to your account in, “The Animal In You,” (great piece) and given us a movie with some inkling into the mind of a man driven (no pun) to his death by this practice/fetish/cult (?), maybe I would have understood the film. Sure, sex with animals is rough subject, but who didn’t know of this shocking event some two years ago? The disgusting video is still making the rounds on-line. I just left with the same, if not more questions as to – ‘why?’ I cannot believe there are an equal amount of people across America either mixing drinks or having ’stall sex’ on the weekends, which too, might have been an interesting angle. But there again, I don’t drink and never have been around a horse, so without an ‘artists’ insight, I’ll trot along.” ~ Outeasy
My “Overall’s? Neigh, and Happier Trails!”


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