Do get me started. At least John Kerry can open the conversation in an elevator with, “It was a botched joke.” But, for all the ships at sea, and crimeny, what’s the deal with O. J. Simpson and Norm Pardo? Deal’s, good and bad, that’s what.

Unless you have been living in, or worse, born in a box, Norm Pardo told a bunch of publications that O. J. Simpson said, “he knew Anna Nicole Smith pretty well, and he said he had slow-moving sperm, and he might be the father of Dannielynn.” Hang on, I’m not done, it gets better – so the bartender leans over the counter and says to the drunk, “I hope they don’t do a DNA test on Anna Nicole’s baby. If they find out Dannielynn is mine, I don’t want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money — or the baby herself.” I get it – funny, good one. Did O. J. really say that? Doesn’t matter, and I’ll get there in a sec.

First this first. O. J. Simpson and/or Norm Pardo (stop it! sorry, my spell checker wants me to use “pardon” here) and I will never meet. When I was younger there was always somebody wiser around who knew exactly how to coax my sometimes unwanted hope by saying something incipient like, “you can never say never,” whenever I said, “never.” As you get older, you come to understand the reality of “never,” and bonus, you actually appreciate use of the word. So, me meet O. J. and Norm? “Never say never?” Never.

O. J. Simpson. Enough said. If you’ve made it this far, there is no box. But Norm Pardo? Norm, by his own admission is a “Super Promoter.” Those who are kind say he is a Documentary Film Maker, Producer, Publicist or a Videographer, whatever that is. Norm’s thing is that somewhere within most of four years between 2000 through 2005 he took an “Excellent Adventure” bus trip with O. J. all over the place and when they ran out of gas, Norm had amassed 70 hours of fodder on his handi-cam. Norm claims he made no money, and that is and is not true, but let’s talk about value and work ethos for a sec. So, four years, that’s 4 x 365 (celebrities don’t take weekends) = 1,460 days. Don’t get up, I have a calculator, that’s 35,040 hours. Norm, you must have the vapors by now, here’s a peppermint. Dood, you worked on average just over 17 hours a year! Where’s the bus stop, I want on.

Whew, my head hurts. Though this monumental film is worthless, even Norm deserves to eat, if for no other reason than to live to entertain those of us now looking for the box. So, let’s give Norm the then minimum wage of $5.15/hour. That’s about $90 bucks a year. No need for TurboTax Norm, the IRS says you’re exempt and I agree. Of course without Congress meddling with a minimum wage, the free market might have paid more for your art. Me? Never.

“All work, and no play,” and just where does the time get to anyway? Some of the film was aired by Nancy Grace on ET back in August, 2006. It goes like this:

SIMPSON: I love my life. Isn`t life wonderful? Thank you, Jesus!
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You ever sniff coke?
SIMPSON: In my life?
SIMPSON: I refuse to answer that question. In recent years? No.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: But in your life. If you refuse, that means yes.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: This is a come-clean show.
SIMPSON: Let me tell you, when I retired from football, I went and did what everybody was doing.
No bus wants to pick up O.J. He`s, like…
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: O. J.`s new lowest low.
He`s at a bus stop.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I filmed this because this is sort of weird.
SIMPSON: Then when they catch people doing it, they don`t do nothing to them. When they catch people lying, they don`t — like, they caught Fuhrman lying. When the tape came out, everybody talked, Oh, he said (DELETED). Who cares if he said (DELETED).

Nancy Grace then posed the only possible question, “Why the tapes? Why now? And what are we seeing about what Simpson has done or not done with his life since his wife was practically beheaded in the front yard?”

The answer is that Norm and O. J. were doing this pay-per-click web site called “JudgeOJ.com.” I remember what I said when I first heard about it. Never. The web site and content of the film went nowhere real fast, and I’m sure Norm blames bad timing. I mean, even I know you put your best stuff on air during “Sweeps” in November – not August. But, in fairness to Norm, I’m no Videographer. I mean, how could we not want to tune into this docudrama of O. J. sitting on a curb waiting on a bus, stage-left to O. J. in a bar cigar between his teeth with three babes squirming in his lap and better lines than Moses, “Thank you, Jesus!” Somehow, 70 hours of this has me rifling hard in the dumpster for my box.

But this wasn’t not new soil for O. J. He did a DVD titled “Juice,” where he acted as a used car salesman trying to sell a Ford Bronco, which, of course, was the ride used in his infamous slow-speed police chase. (That was good TV). He also signed autographs for money at a horror convention where there were fake severed limbs just a couple of feet away, and reportedly starred in a pay-for-view porn web video.

I know, I’m distracted. Let’s exit stage right to Norm Pardo. Norm was asked if he was making any money off JudgeOJ.com, to which he replied, “no.” He didn’t actually lie, but there again, had any real money been made, I doubt the Goldmans were in mind. You should know that in addition to his role as cameraman, Norm booked the shows in the 30 some cities toured with O. J., and the clubs did cover “expenses,” according to Norm.
So, with JudgeOJ.com now joined with all the other “dot bombs,” Norm had a problem. Four years of life gone and a pocket full of film. Norm decided we’d rather read than watch so the brainstorm of a print version was born. According to Norm, he hired a “ghost” writer and was speaking with publishers about a book deal. I’m guessing the publishers were about my age as they all said – never. Yale Galanter, O. J. ‘s attorney was asked about all this and replied, “I assume Mr. Pardo`s motives are to make money because he`s got the film and there`s nothing else he could do with it, so he`s created this Web site. And at some point, there’ll either be a fee for a book or somehow or another, Mr. Pardo will end up making money.” So much for counting out-of-state plates on this road trip, there’s work to do.

Now, let’s bring back O. J. for a minute. Remember the book deal? No, not the one above, but the more recent one, the “If I Did It,” (murdered my wife and Ron Goldman) and likewise doomed Fox TV show deal. It’s a long sordid story, and it took a while, but the book publisher and Fox finally and rightly said – never. But O. J. knows no limits when money is involved, and he did get paid for the effort. O. J. had this to say during an interview on a Miami, Florida radio show:

SIMPSON: Come on, guys. Let`s grow up. Would everybody stop being so naive? Let`s grow up. Of course I got paid. Of course I spent the money on my bills. It`s gone.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: So in terms of the Goldmans —
SIMPSON: It`s gone. I deserve the right to earn money, if I can earn money.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: But O. J., wait, wait.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: How does that affect the judgment? I think that`s what people are saying. Any time you earn money, —
SIMPSON: It doesn`t.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: OK, because people think that any time you get a check, the Goldmans get a check.
SIMPSON: No, that`s not correct. And guess what? There are people who I owe before the Goldmans.

It really should all end here, but it does not. You see, as I understand it, Norm wasn’t in on the “If I Did It” deal. O. J. got his, and Norm’s still got a problem – a pocket full of film. (I should let my spell-checker go, it wants “flim”). Norm was interviewed just this past late November by A. J. Hammer on Showbiz Tonight (Bear in mind – a CNN show) and had this to say:

HAMMER: You know, there has been plenty of controversy surrounding the amount of money that O. J. could have made from this Fox fiasco. On the tapes that he shot with you over the course of those four years, at one point he says, I`ll do anything to make a dollar. Did you kind of walk away from your experience with him believing he would do anything for a buck?
PARDO: Well, it`s all about the money. It`s all about the money with a lot of people. I never at one time felt Fox was going to air this. I knew that this was basically the same thing Barbara Walters did. She did the same thing.
HAMMER: You knew from the start that this Fox project was dead on arrival.
PARDO: That`s correct. I knew that was going nowhere. I knew that he managed to dupe Fox into doing it. He`s a very smart man. They under estimated him.
HAMMER: So you think that he took advantage of their naivete in this situation. This is a big corporation we`re talking about.
PARDO: For anybody to believe that O. J. Simpson, to start with, would go on Fox. On my tapes, that`s the network that he despised the most. I mean, he — he hated Fox. HAMMER: In terms of the tapes that you have, Norm, there have been some conflicting reports flying around as far as those are concerned. Are you in fact selling them, or are you still pitching them around, or have you sold the tapes already? PARDO: We`re working with a couple different networks to try to put together a program.
HAMMER: What are you —
PARDO: I want them edited as a documentary to show O. J. Simpson, both sides of him, the way it was meant to be, not, you know, where he`s going to confess on TV, –blah blah blah — the real tapes, just him out in the streets. You can see him for what he is. And then you, like me, would have known he would have never confessed on Fox. Fox hired Mark Furman as a commentator

Sour grapes? Duplicitous? Geez, Louise. Poor Norm. The “Magical Mystery (bus) Tour” took a wrong turn and was an un”Excellent Adventure.” JudgeOJ.com a “dot bomb.” Never titled nor written book deal number one – fizzzzz, gone. No “dance card” for book deal number two or follow-up Fox TV show, “If I Did It.” And now to make my spell-checker happy, he’s still got a pocket full of “flim.” Norm has a problem, and now this really bad “joke,” about a little girl who can’t even talk yet. Did O. J. say it? I said it doesn’t matter, and it really depends. Follow the money. But Norm, when are you going to learn, “that dog can’t hunt.”

The dog. Oh yeah. This is a story about my dog. He’s a good dog, older now, and does his stuff in the back yard. I know this, because my Uncle was over the other day cussin’ at the back door. I went to open and asked him; “What’s the matter?” He said, “I’m trying to get all this G**D*** O. J. Simpson off my shoe.” Think my dog will change? Never.

“Everybody Is Up To Something” sm